A Guide to Dating Canadians – Part 1

My girlfriend is awesome and also Canadian. There are few things I’ve learned in the path to understanding Ice Hockey and Maple Syrup.
These truths are paramount if you want to date a Canadian.


A guide to dating a Canadian (Part 1)

  1. Canadian border authorities don’t like the idea of Americans dating their citizens. For all the stupid reason I’ve given for going to Japan and Vancouver I was a little surprised. Mention that you’re meeting your Canadian girlfriend gets you tossed into a small room very quickly. They also question said girlfriend. My theory comes down this: Their worried about Americans polluting their bloodlines with rudeness and vulgar jokes. Just tell them, “I’m here to do my laundry.” I wrote this some months back and things have relaxed since. I think there is a note on my file, “Smells bad, do not detain in small places.”
  2. Everyone has an opinion about Alberta. EVERYONE. It’s best to not mention it. It’s like being a Republican in Seattle. Also, Canadians can talk politics and not sound like they dropped out of preschool. I could get used to that.
  3. The only Canadians that like Vancouver live in Vancouver. At least, that’s the impression I’m given. Much like Portland to Seattle, Vancouver gets all the prestige. Still, BC loves Canucks and the Whitecaps. Perhaps they should move the teams to neutral ground and call them BC like they do with the Lions (not Detroit)
  4. Beers in Victoria cost the same as Seattle. I’m told that’s expensive when talking with Victorians. I’m willing to believe the country lives on booze taxing. On that note, the breweries and distilleries in northwest Canada (or is it southwest Canada?) carry a proud linage. They need to loosen the borders up and let more of it into the rest of the northwest. Now that I’m really getting to see it, it’s like the Northwest has cut off it’s own arm in the microbrew race.
  5. Victoria is very beautiful; your significant other may come to your town, look around and think; “How quaint is this?” They will never say it out loud though. They were raised to be better than that. Of course. Good job Canada.
  6. There are more pubs per square inch in Victoria than anywhere else on earth. It’s like having a beer festival every day. Don’t like the pub you’re in. Walk ten feet. New pub!
  7. MEC is REI – It’s a co-op outdoor recreation store, it’s cool and you become part owner just by shopping there. I’d never heard about it till someone told me on the street.  I wonder if they’ve heard of REI? Do you think there are whole movements to make sure people don’t know they both exist?
  8. They play music in restaurants and pubs you haven’t heard in years. I heard more music from when I was a kid than ever before. I was told Victoria was retirement community, apparently they meant the music not the people.
  9. Victoria has a bridge that doubles as a car crusher. Who in the world designed this thing?
    DSC_0201“We need a bridge that can bust up a Chevy and get out of the way of boats.”
    You can’t look at this bridge and not think, “Holy shit get out of the way!”
  10. Sorry vs sorry (not-sorry) – AKA: Canadian sorry. For years we have been fooled my friends. We have been hoodwinked into believing that Canadians are nice and kind. Beer drinkers with a heart of gold. Sorry: Feeling distress, especially through sympathy with someone else’s misfortune. Canadian Sorry: Even having said the word was an inconvenience. I’m going to move on and forget this happened. To quote my girlfriend, “There is nothing sorry about sorry.”
    I have built this chart to help with confusion.
    Print and keep in your wallet for travel.

I’ve labeled this “Part 1” I’m sure there will be at least one more installment in the future. Look for it nowhere good things are sold.