A Guide to Dating Canadians – Part 1

My girlfriend is awesome and also Canadian. There are few things I’ve learned in the path to understanding Ice Hockey and Maple Syrup.
These truths are paramount if you want to date a Canadian.


A guide to dating a Canadian (Part 1)

  1. Canadian border authorities don’t like the idea of Americans dating their citizens. For all the stupid reason I’ve given for going to Japan and Vancouver I was a little surprised. Mention that you’re meeting your Canadian girlfriend gets you tossed into a small room very quickly. They also question said girlfriend. My theory comes down this: Their worried about Americans polluting their bloodlines with rudeness and vulgar jokes. Just tell them, “I’m here to do my laundry.” I wrote this some months back and things have relaxed since. I think there is a note on my file, “Smells bad, do not detain in small places.”
  2. Everyone has an opinion about Alberta. EVERYONE. It’s best to not mention it. It’s like being a Republican in Seattle. Also, Canadians can talk politics and not sound like they dropped out of preschool. I could get used to that.
  3. The only Canadians that like Vancouver live in Vancouver. At least, that’s the impression I’m given. Much like Portland to Seattle, Vancouver gets all the prestige. Still, BC loves Canucks and the Whitecaps. Perhaps they should move the teams to neutral ground and call them BC like they do with the Lions (not Detroit)
  4. Beers in Victoria cost the same as Seattle. I’m told that’s expensive when talking with Victorians. I’m willing to believe the country lives on booze taxing. On that note, the breweries and distilleries in northwest Canada (or is it southwest Canada?) carry a proud linage. They need to loosen the borders up and let more of it into the rest of the northwest. Now that I’m really getting to see it, it’s like the Northwest has cut off it’s own arm in the microbrew race.
  5. Victoria is very beautiful; your significant other may come to your town, look around and think; “How quaint is this?” They will never say it out loud though. They were raised to be better than that. Of course. Good job Canada.
  6. There are more pubs per square inch in Victoria than anywhere else on earth. It’s like having a beer festival every day. Don’t like the pub you’re in. Walk ten feet. New pub!
  7. MEC is REI – It’s a co-op outdoor recreation store, it’s cool and you become part owner just by shopping there. I’d never heard about it till someone told me on the street.  I wonder if they’ve heard of REI? Do you think there are whole movements to make sure people don’t know they both exist?
  8. They play music in restaurants and pubs you haven’t heard in years. I heard more music from when I was a kid than ever before. I was told Victoria was retirement community, apparently they meant the music not the people.
  9. Victoria has a bridge that doubles as a car crusher. Who in the world designed this thing?
    DSC_0201“We need a bridge that can bust up a Chevy and get out of the way of boats.”
    You can’t look at this bridge and not think, “Holy shit get out of the way!”
  10. Sorry vs sorry (not-sorry) – AKA: Canadian sorry. For years we have been fooled my friends. We have been hoodwinked into believing that Canadians are nice and kind. Beer drinkers with a heart of gold. Sorry: Feeling distress, especially through sympathy with someone else’s misfortune. Canadian Sorry: Even having said the word was an inconvenience. I’m going to move on and forget this happened. To quote my girlfriend, “There is nothing sorry about sorry.”
    I have built this chart to help with confusion.
    Print and keep in your wallet for travel.

I’ve labeled this “Part 1” I’m sure there will be at least one more installment in the future. Look for it nowhere good things are sold.


Simple Reminders of Life

It’s 1:48 in the morning; do you know where your thoughts are?

I’ve just settled in with pan of Kraft Mac and Cheese, it’s made like a cheddar cheese salt lick (just like I used to do when I was a kid) and I thought it was time to make another blog post.

This weekend has been a little weird for me, August 3rd. You little bastard.
I know that all my friends are dealing with this in their way, but this is my way. I write. I write a lot. I’m just letting you see it more.

My friend was taken from me by cancer. Taken from everyone that knew her.

That day, was today.

This last week, things keep happening to me, that remind me she was an important part of my life and a very short part of my life. And while I have my friends to remind me as well,  there have been just too many things this week.

It starts with drink I have every Monday now. Who introduced me to it? She did.
I went to check out my subscriptions on YouTube. For some reason she was on the top of my list, I don’t know how, but there she is. I’d forgotten I’d subscribed when she made her video.
I found a post here I made right after her health took a bad turn, I’ve locked it, I don’t bother looking, that’s between her and I.
I found a book she’d lent me at the top of one my book piles last night.
I was looking over my bike tonight, and the custom paint job, she’d helped with, I’d forgotten about that.
20 minutes ago I opened a drawer and handout from her funeral had shifted and made its way to the top of the paper pile.

It’s times like this where I wonder what’s going on out there, it’s worth a question, no matter the answer.

For me, I made my childhood snack, curled up with my blankets and settled back to think about the first time I’d met her and her in her apartment on 4th Avenue.

Her husband and I had been friends for a while before I met her and he’d invited me over for games at their house. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone that’s left such mighty impression on me. Those that have met her maybe able to speak to it, I leave you with these simple words.

This has been a interesting week for me and I see it like this; she was such a force in this world there is nothing that can, bury it, lose it, or end it. She lives on in an army hundreds strong. Touched, shaped, and released.
There doesn’t have to be an afterlife to simply live on.  She does for me.

Do what she did, make good friends, be yourself, shape the world in your way.

Do it with class and astounding style.

The way of the vinyl

This is never been a site that I’d published, mostly because it’s a place where I write about the messed up shit that goes on in my head. Really the only people who know about it are the only ones that should be following it.
No one.

I’m rethinking that choice, I’ve found I have more to talk about things that interests me the more they are starting to pile up and clutter in my brain. Something I want to do in the next few months is take a real look at what it would take (cost?) to be a full time writer. I have a severe passion for putting my mind on paper, piles and piles of words that I want to share. Illiteratemind.com is where I talk in my politically correct voice, it’s a driving force for my books and so it needs stay in that theme.

Not the case here…

The reality is I want to talk about all KINDS of things. Not all of them good, but not all of them as offensive as the original plan for this blog either. So what do I do? Make another site for my brain to fill up? No, I don’t believe that’s what’s needed. I’ve been wrong before. I could be again. With all this in mind and a writing plus editorial team of one…

Let’s give this a try.

Feel free to share, delete, set on fire, or criticize as you wish.

I’ve always loved music, I mean I can’t think of a day where I haven’t listened to something. In fact I have a record spinning as I edit this. Also, I’m an eclectic person, I got into collecting vinyl. Is it art? Is it music? Why can’t it be both? Half to the time I can’t tell if I’m a damn hipster or anti-hipster or what. What I do know; I like my music to sound amazing and vinyl helps. I see you judging me, well fuck you!

A friend of mine posted this:


This chart belongs to Pitchfork and Joel Oliphint

It was a good read, but it also pissed me off.

I mean holy shit, over 6 million sales with 3+ month waits to get your music pressed? Seems like all it’s all upside for the press companies. But they aren’t adding more presses to keep with demand?

How is it prohibitively expensive to make more vinyl presses? What are they made out of?
“We need another press in here!”
“I’m sorry, but the cost of virgins to fuel the tools, is just too expensive now that we have a Human Rights Act.”
“Curse you 1998!”

Wait? The Human Rights Act took till 1998, da fuck? They drafted this thing in 1949 and it’s not put in place till 1998? We live in the Dark Ages my friends. Also I didn’t know it was the UK that made this right.

Lost myself again… Oh right. I wanted a price tag on these presses. I started to look into it.
First site I found was a place that will press records for you, seems to start at about 100 record minimum. Anyone want record of me belting out the oldies? I’d never thought about making a record before.

If internet can be trusted… It says that the last presses made were done in the 80s by some Russian company and most of the machines used today were created in the 60s and 70s. Who repairs these things? I got to believe the markup on that work is epic.

I guess, what they are trying to say is; you don’t only need to make presses, you need to make companies that create presses. And when vinyl still only counts for 2% of all music sold in a year, you can go fuck yourself.  Where did all the tooling to make these machines end up, I wonder?

If the “Projections” are correct, vinyl could hit somewhere near 8 million sold this year, and that’s awesome I love the idea of records becoming an expected format when I go to buy my band’s new album. But I feel the cautious edge to this whole tale.

It’s got a fad feel.

I think the biggest reason…

How much life is left in the record? At the speed we have improved everything else in our world, is the record going to stay the audiophiles’ choice? It doesn’t sound like pressing process is going to changing anytime soon, and if mastering is going almost full digital, what the win of going analog with your release? Records aren’t cheap and they take work to make. That’s cost in the labors of love.

Then you have systems like Pono, DVD, Blue Ray , and HDTracks. How long before they sound better, more convenient, and cheap.

Or maybe it’s here to stay? Let’s not forget, when we landed on the moon we didn’t believe it would be long before everyone would own a flying cars.

Well I have to replace the tires on my car and I’ve not been to Mars yet. So long live vinyl, even if is just prettiest sounding swan song I know.

Fans are fucking stupid

I was looking through the news today and I found this article: Dumb fuck stabs some bears fan.

Some total jackoff decided he was SO offended that a bears fan was talking to his wife that he stabbed him and slit his throat. IN A FUCKING BAR. OK HOLY FUCKING SHIT I have so many issues with this. Beyond the obvious…

Let me count the ways:

  1. Jacksonville fans can’t even care to show up at the stadium to watch their team suck. How could anyone possibly care enough to pick up a knife and thrust it into another person?
  2. Man falls to fucking death in his stadium.  Let me tell you what boys. You leave them alone long enough they will kill themselves! Fuck.
  3. He was going to Detroit next week, let them do your stabbing for you.

This looks more like, it was a jealousy issue of one man hitting on another man’s wife. I could only imagine the pick up lines.

  1. “Hey baby, I hear your man’s only worth about 3 points.”
  2. “Why don’t you stick with man to knows what it’s really like to beat up on the weak.”  (The St. Louis fan in the room can cheer now)
  3. “Hey baby, your husband looks as classy as our quarterback.”

The bottom line is; there is no reason for this kind of crap to happen around sports, or to be blamed on sports. Either way, its a game that should be used to take us away from the crap that happens every other day. More to the point:  No one should have to fear to be a fan of any team anywhere at any time.

…unless your a Jets fan…then fuck you.



Zeee Germans!


Here is how it goes down, working on just trying to make a fucking book title and the next thing you know….


OTHER PERSON:  Probably also not a great thing to have printed on the cover.

“The suspicious German doctor did it.”


me:  “Zeee Germans!”



OTHER PERSON:  That is wicked stereotypical of me, isn’t it? I should change that.

I’ll make her Russian instead!  That’s much better right?


me:  Italian


OTHER PERSON:  Damn those Italians! Nothign but trouble, the lot of them… Oh wait…


 me:  Fuck might as well make her Chinese


OTHER PERSON:  Any Asian would work.  We’ve demonized most of them at some point.


me:  Make her a Frankenstein of all of them.

Like 8 arms and shit


OTHER PERSON:  She is a mad scientist. She might have even done it to herself!


me:  “Something isn’t right about her…I can’t put my finger on it.”


OTHER PERSON:  “Well, it could be the 80 fingers SHE has on YOU.”


me:  “What? I thought that was an abacus!”


OTHER PERSON:  The human abacus!


me:  “Look I’m doing long hand division here!”

—God please tell me you are saving this—

In fact….

And that’s how it goes, one person makes it ok, then your off and ripping everyone.